Sophie Oak & Jayne Rylon Are Prepped for Doomsday

Jayne : Hey, Sophie, I was hoping you would write a blog on the Apocalypse.

Sophie: Why? Is it here? I knew it was coming. Damn it. Mel was right. Sure Mel’s the crazy dude in my head, but I should have been listening to him all long. Which Apocalypse is it? Zombie? Peak Oil? The one where the poles switch and John Cusack has to save humanity with a small air craft? Gosh, I hope it’s not the last one. That one kind of sucked.

Jayne:   Chill. Wow. It’s just a little blog. It’s not really the end of the world.

Sophie:  Foolish girl, that’s what they want you to think. Have you not been watching Doomsday Preppers? Gosh, honestly if that didn’t tip it off that the end is near then the Real Housewives of New Jersey should have. Really just watch anything on E and you’ll know we’re doomed. I’ve actually prepped for an apocalyptic scenario where the Kardashians gain psychic powers and kill everyone with their vacant doe eyes.

Jayne: (backing away and wishing she’d never even started this) Just write something, okay? Uhm, I’m going to go now. And probably lock my door.

Which she should because the Apocalypse is coming and locking your doors is just the first thing to do. She should also stock up on cotton candy because according to TV, we’re all going to be dead soon. It’s everywhere. The SyFy channel has us all being eaten by gigantic sharktopusses and staked with killer Christmas trees (way to work in the holiday cheer, guys), the History Channel produces multitudinous documentaries on how and when the world will end, and there’s the E Network which really just shows us why we should all go down in a fiery pit.

It’s even seeping into scripted shows. The Walking Dead, Revolution, Falling Skies all deal with the aftermath of humanity screwing things up righteously. It’s enough to make a person wonder what it would really be like. How would things shake out at the end of times? I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve come up with a viable scenario. It involves me walking through the ruined husk of our cities and finding the last bastion of humanity locked up behind safe gates. The watchman on the tower gate looks down.

“Who goes there?”

I cling to my tattered coat. Finally I have found a home. “Sophie, sir. It’s Sophie Oak.”

“What did you do in your previous life? What skills can you bring to the colony?”

I smile brightly. “I wrote erotic fiction and was one of the world’s leading advocates for BDSM and tolerance for all forms of sexual expression, up to and including figging. Yes, sir, I was an expert when it came to writing about people who shove kitchen herbs up their backsides as an expression of love.”

“So you were a writer?” the guard asks.

“Yes,” I say proudly.

“Shoot her.”

See, the way I’ve seen on TV, they’re really looking for skilled workers, like engineers and doctors and farmers. My current occupation of erotic fiction author might not make the end days cut. So I worry and think about hanging up my laptop and trading it all in for Amish living because we all know that they have always been prepared for the end. That’s when my husband sighs and takes another drink of his fifteen year Scotch, which, he assures me, is completely necessary to make the upcoming apocalypse livable.

“Sophie,” my hubby says, “Don’t worry about it. I have a plan.”

I put down my shovel and seed sacks. “What is it?”

“I’ve watched Doomsday Preppers and I think I can find them all. I’m going to go and steal their stuff. See, it’s like the ants and the grasshopper except this grasshopper is going in armed and won’t leave until he has a metric ton of canned goods. I hope you like Spam, babe. They seem to really like Spam.”

Jayne: I totally hate to interrupt, but you were supposed to write about what you would do at the end of the world.

Sophie: Besides write a long rambling blog?

Jayne:   Yes, besides, that.

Sophie: Wow, that’s easy. I would totally take a long hot bubble bath while sipping a martini and looking at pictures of the Hemsworth brothers and imaging a ménage. That’s how I’ll go down.

Jayne:   And I would go out reading on a beach in the South Pacific.  Maybe the zombies couldn’t find me on Aitutaki!

I sigh with relief because I thought this was going to be hard. Now I can get back to my quest to become self-sufficient. Right after I finish this martini…

Sophie Oak writes erotic fiction for Siren Publishing and watches way too much television.

You can find her latest Siren Unleashed: Texas Sirens 7 at Amazon and Siren Bookstrand. Her next Nights in Bliss, Colorado book—Once Upon a Time in Bliss—will be available on February 1st. If we survive, that is…

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Jayne writes dirty books of all varieties.  Her latest release is Healing Touch, sequel to Dream Machine in the Play Doctor series, and her next upcoming solo release is King Cobra, Book 1 of the Hot Rods menage series featuring cameos from all the Powertools crew members you know and love.  It will be out on April 16th.  In the meantime, Winter’s Thaw, Compass Girls 1, will release on February 19th co-written with Mari Carr.

Healing Touch is available now:

At Amazon
At B&N
At Samhain Publishing

Contest!

Today’s Contest

Prize: Ebook off Jayne’s backlist AND an ebook of Sophie’s backlist.

How to Enter: Comment below on who you’d like to spend your last night with if the world really was ending.

Grand Prize Contest

Prize: $100 Gift Card

Grand prize winners will be drawn on December 22nd, 2012. To enter you can like us on facebook, follow on twitter, tweet, and comment! You can tweet and comment once a day for the duration of the contest. In order to enter click the party logo below, or enter on Facebook. Good luck!