Things NOT to be thankful for

Since Jess covered the important points of discount books and chocolate I really don’t have much to say, plus the end of a Holiday weekend makes me pouty, so instead of giving thanks I will make a list of things I am NOT thankful for, like the ungrateful bitch I am.

1. Scales–In a habit born of Weight Watchers, which I have yet to break, I weigh myself every Tuesday morning, and now track it in spark people. (Getting married has made me oh-so lax about actually counting points or calories.) Tomorrow morning is going to suck, it just is. I counted nary a calorie as I ladled on gravy or forked up pie and that stupid scale is the great equalizer. Fuck you scale, why must you confront me with my bad decisions?

2. Implied babysitter status–As the oldest grandchild I was always the default babysitter at holiday gatherings. When we all got old enough that to no longer be a factor I was ridiculously happy, but then my child-less aunt and uncle each decided to have a kid, adding new little people to the mix. I want to talk politics and push my hippie, liberal, young-person agenda in a spirited intellectual debate, not play with my 6 year old cousin. This year I admittedly I pushed this duty off on my husband, so I’m not sure I get to be unthankful, but still there was an expectation I’m not thankful for.

3. Younger siblings–they are totally unnecessary. Enough said.

4. Swiffer commercials–I fucking hate those commercials. If I see one more stupid Swiffer produce commercial I will scream. I actively bought a different brand of a similar product I find those things so annoying.

5. Liquid cold medicine–Yes, I know they make it in pill form, but they were sold out, or at least that’s what my husband claims. I have a deep, life-long dislike for liquid medicine. I gag when giving it to someone. If I was babysitting I’d have to look away while pouring it and the kids would have to hold the cup and chug it themselves. If they protested I said “right on” and didn’t make them take it. Getting me to take the cold medicine literally involved my husband chasing my around the island in my mother’s kitchen until my father blocked my escape with some chairs, at which point my husband pinned me. I tried talking my way out, but my parents have hearts of stone (or are wise to my ways after all these years–seriously, you’d think I’d grow up) and forced it down me.

This leads me to the thing I’m least thankful for right now…

6. The Common Cold. Seriously western medicine, you still haven’t come up with something better than that liquid sugar battery acid they’re forcing down me every 8 hours?

My thoughtful brother passed on his cold this Thanksgiving. I can’t really say anything since last year I managed to give my whole family swine flu at Thanksgiving, but he’s my brother so I’ll still blame him. The cold has made me extra high-maintenance (all the IH girls and shuddering in horror, sure that I couldn’t be any worse than I am) and ridiculous. I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving and fruitful black Friday (I hit Khols and Macys and 4am–killer!) and that you’re enjoying the start of the Holiday season.

But…is there anything you’re NOT thankful for?

Lila